As We Turn 4.1

Yesterday marked the fourth year and one month anniversary of James and I. Honestly, I don't feel like our exclusive affair has been running for that long already. It may sound mushy and corny, but I still feel like we are still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. And I'm thankful for still feeling butterflies in my stomach. 

One good friend asked me once on how James and I maintain our relationship and still feel "kilig" whenever we're together. "Well, the explanation's quite complicated," I answered, "but the gist of it is, I believe, when you stop thinking that love is merely based on feelings and is also a conscious effort to decide to love your partner every day, then perhaps, you'll survive. Love, more than a feeling, is a rational commitment."

Going deeper into this train of thought, I would just like to share with you my thoughts and the lessons I learned throughout my 4-year relationship journey.

1. Learn to love yourself first and foremost. Before entering in my current relationship, I had a broken heart and had my fair share of experiencing the hardships and victories of the healing process.

Coming from a not-so-healthy past relationship, my self-worth relied heavily on the approval of my partner. I was very conscious on how I look, talk, speak, react because I wanted him to like me. Always. And whenever my past flame said that I should cut my hair, have my hair rebonded, shave my legs, tone my voice down a little, move graciously a little, I'd do it so that he would like me more. Looking back, I must admit that it really was a restricting experience.

So, when the relationship ended, the only one whom I was left to satisfy is, well… myself. So, I cut my hair the time and the way I wanted it to be cut. I danced whenever I wanted to, I sang at the top of my lungs when I'm with my friends. I learned to draw, paint, compose songs and poems. While I satisfied myself, I realized that I was becoming happier. Maybe because I came to know myself more -- the right hairstyle that fits me, the right clothes which I think makes me pretty, the things that really piss me off, the things that I really like doing, watching, reading, listening to. And then I learned to appreciate myself and establish myself and love myself, in and out, good and bad points.

Why is loving yourself first very important, you may ask. Well, my answer would be simple. How can you give love to other people if you don't have any love to give in the first place? Imagine yourself as a water container. If you are not filled with water, will the thirst of the people around you be quenched? And how can other people know if they could put hot or cold water in you if you don't even know what your capacity is? If people put the wrong drink in you, you might melt if it's too hot or crack if it's too cold.

I think loving myself first was the first step so that I can be ready to receive love and give love back.

During one of YFC-A's events back in 2nd year college. 

*I dedicated a whole album documenting myself on how I coped with my heartbreak through the company of a lot of friends. You can check my album here: http://sophisticated19.multiply.com/photos/album/7/this-is-life-after-love). :)


2. Be yourself. And be with someone whom you can be yourself with. I think this is related to the first point raised above. Once I have learned to appreciate and love myself, I became comfortable being in my own skin. And as I opened myself to the possibility of finding a new flame, I made it a point that I won't allow any pretentions to arise, either from me or from my future boyfriend. He should be willing to accept me for who I am, and I should be willing to do the same. I made it a point to lay down all my cards down for him to see who I really am -- no secrets and no lies.

You see, when you are able be yourself whenever you're with your partner, you feel more free to express yourself and share your opinions, ideas, dreams with no restrictions. And when you are able to feel free in his company, that will also help you realize your full potential on whom you can become.

I always believe that God has created us to be the best that we can be. He created us to become wealthy. So, I think it really will be a great blessing if He sends someone who'll help us be who we are destined to be.  

While taking a break from studying, we cam-whored a little in Starbucks.

*To see more of our pretty pictures (yeah, we were drop-dead gorgeous), you can look at them here: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1242723624185.38371.1112166601&type=3)

3. Respect each other's differences. During the initial stages of our budding relationship, we usually latch on the things that we're similar with. But as time goes by, it's inevitable that we'll also be able to decipher each of our differences.

He has his opinion, I have my own beliefs. And most often than not, we would clash. And clash is normal in a relationship. Basically because, he is another person than I am. And I am not who he is. Accepting both our differences and respecting the fact that we are different from each other can make a relationship easier to work on.

Understanding that we both have to accept and respect our individuality, we also have to understand and accept that we can't change each other. But if we do change our ways or our habits, it is because we willed to do it and not because we forced each other to.

Between us two, I'm the more serious one 
and James always loves to have fun. X_x

4. Love is unfair, sometimes. I also did not expect that I'll be believing this. But it's the truth that I experienced.


There were instances in our relationship where I felt that I was always at the receiving end and that I felt that I could not reciprocate all the things that James has shown or given me. This distressed me because I thought that not giving back would make him unhappy. But, it surprised me when he said, "The fact that you are letting me love you and that you're receiving my love already makes me happy."


"Besides," he said, "if you like to reciprocate it, you can in the way that you know."


There will be times that love will not be fair, maybe because we always expect that when we're given, we should immediately reciprocate back or give back the same given amount. But we should also understand that we move at our own pace, so we give back when we can. And we should always remember that love, or time, is intangible, non-measurable, and self-biased. What can be extravagant for me can be conservative for him.

On Valentines Day of 2012, he surprised me by leaving a rose and a letter on my office desk (the first time in 4 years!). I didn't have any gift from him on that day, though. 

So, on February 15, 2012, I made a simple candle-lit dinner for the two of us at my house. :) 

5. Communicate and know both your Love Languages. And if the time comes that you do piss each other off, always remember that the golden key to mend things is through open, two-way communication. Open, for me, means saying all that I'm feeling and the all the reasons why I felt that way. And two-way means giving him the chance to explain his side and listen intently to what he has to say.

There will also be times that it will not be easy searching for ways on how to fix the situation. If it does get to that point, what always was my main mantra is to answer the question "What is the more loving thing to do?"


Knowing each other's love languages is also helpful in showing that you love your partner. He might feel loved if you say nice words to him, or cook for him, or listen to all his stories. You might also realize that the Love Language you are giving is not exactly the Love Language that you would like to receive.


*You may test for your Love Language here: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-5-love-languages-test




6. Pray together. For me, faith has always been one, if not the most, important factor in considering my relationship. It will always be a plus point if my guy and I share the same belief, or better yet, the same faith. And praying together means a lot to me because this act is one way of recognizing that there is Someone greater than the two of us who, in the first place, allowed our paths to cross and who continues to bless us with more love as we look forward to more days of being together.

James and I like hearing mass, either in Gesu or in OLPP.
Maybe it's one of our ways, too, of affirming that we are a blessing to each other. 

As of today, I am happy where James and I are today. And with the lessons I learned throughout these years in my heart, I hold a hope that we can survive what the future has in store for us.


And as for you, my friend, I'm hoping that you be also blessed with and by the spirit of Love.


Cheers! :)